The fact of makeup is that it’s on your face, and the fact of your face is that it’s usually the first thing the world sees, unless the world is looking at your breasts or your sweet new kicks.
The world, deluded and strange as it is, will often see fit to comment on what you choose to daub on your gob, and in that case the world will most often come in the form of a man, a confused man, a man who has never been subjected to the delights of Ruby Woo, and probably doesn’t deserve it.
You can keep your head down. You can walk on by. Or you can reply.
10. “You look so different without makeup!”
“My foundation costs £40! My mascara cost £21! I spend more money on makeup than I do on food! I would probably have enough money for a deposit on a house if I didn’t keep buying bloody NAKED palettes! If I looked the same I’d be gutted!”
9. “You’re probably single because men like natural girls”.
“I’m single because I like men who are non-judgmental and interesting and funny and YOU SIR are none of these things and are also MAYBE an actual alien if you think I’m single for any other reason than those I’ve chosen, like wanting to draw on my eyebrows and watch Netflix for 48 hours straight instead of pandering to the whims of an IDIOT, GOOD DAY SIR.”
*Stand really still and pretend to be a tree*
8. “I prefer less makeup”.
“So, wear less makeup. WTF does that have to do with me?”
7. “You know, I’d probably date you if you weren’t so high maintenance…”
“I would probably date you, if you didn’t look like Donald Trump mated with a rat and ran his subsequent offspring through a blender, then stuck it back together with Prit Stick. Here, try some concealer. You might be surprised. You might. It’s makeup, it’s not f*cking magic”.
6. “Woah! Baby! Why all the makeup?!”
Lean in, whisper “Because of the voices”, lick his face, run away.
5. “Why do you always wear so much makeup?”
“Because without it, I’ll die. Literally die. Men will stop noticing me on the street and trying to give me their number in bars, and when that happens, my sense of self will completely disappear, washed down the drain with my lipstick, and my mother will disown me for failing to win a man and society will offer me a cat and turn its back, and that is when I will waste away, reading Daily Mail articles and weeping, and eventually be eaten by that same cat. That is why.”
4. “When women wear makeup, they’re just lying to men”.
“The whole world is a lie, David. Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”.
3. “That’s a lot of face paint!”
“I’m a professional clown. If I don’t wear this much makeup, I’ll get fired from my job and cease contributing to the economy and then I’ll have to leave London because I won’t be able to afford rent and actually I can’t afford my rent as it IS, clowns are not very highly paid, DO YOU WANT A BALLON ANIMAL IT IS TEN POUNDS BUT YOU WILL LOVE IT LIKE A CHILD, STAND STILL WHILE I BLOW THIS UP WHERE ARE YOU GOING”.
2. “You’d be so much prettier without all of that on your face…”
*grab his shirt and slowly clean face, revealing engorged aspect of demonic creature, ready to feast on male flesh* “Thank you!”
- “Girls just wear makeup to impress men”.
NB: The final response is adequate for all above questions. Alternatively, just fling a tampon and run away. That shit is like a GRENADE.