The Best Products From Marks and Spencer To Eat Alone In Your Bed, Ranked In Order Of How Fucking Good They Are, Obviously

  1. Yoghurty Things with Compote

You have to get the black plum one and you have to be really careful to keep your allocation of yoghurt to compote STRICT, or your might have to eat one without the other, and that’s how people die.

  1. Poppadum Crisps

Because noshing on a poppadum as big as your head is inelegant and you might cut the sides of your mouth. Poppadum crisps are LIGHT and DELICIOUS and shatter in your mouth. Warning: buy two bags. Trust. They disappear like the promises made by your mother.

  1. Cashews with Chili and Coconut 

They’re sticky and spicy and they remind you that even if we are all going to die one day, at least our bodies might become fertilizer for the coconuts of the future, and that is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

  1. Jaffa Chocolate Cups

I do not know their real name but they come in packs of two and they are singularly the most chocolately, luxurious, ridiculously rich thing you have ever stuck your tongue into in your whole life.

  1. Single Serve Walnut Whips

They put them near the tills where you always feel loneliest and most vulnerable. A pack of three seems like too much, but one? It’s like you. Alone. You’re better together. Also, nuts are good for your hair, I read once somewhere not reputable at all.

  1. Ready Made Mashed Potato That Says It Serves Four But Actually Only Serves One

So creamy, so buttery and it forms such a comforting skin when you microwave it. You could eat it with a fork but I recommend eating it with two fingers, naked. It’s sensual and atmospheric and you’ll never feel sexier.

  1. Prawns with Cocktail Sauce 
I could not find an actual picture because we as a nation have lost our way, but picture this with no lemon, glass or class.

I could not find an actual picture because we as a nation have lost our way, but picture this with no lemon, glass or class.

I’m 27, I’ve seen enough of the world to know that there is magic in these prawns. In their little plastic container in Marylebone station, I know it must have been months since they’ve seen the sea. They’re probably older than me. But they taste delicious and they have the proper fresh prawn texture and the dipping sauce is the kind of sexy thing I’d like someone sexy to lick off my nipples and so I suspend my disbelief and eat them. Nearly everyday, or near enough. I’m eating them right now. They’re nearly 3 pounds a packet someone please send help.

What are your favourite M&S snacks? This list is obviously too short.