My engagement story

My engagement story isn’t typical, but the story of my engagement is: I fell in love with a man, and he loved me back.

My engagement story is a practical one. It wasn’t in a restaurant, or front of a crowd, or on a holiday. It happened on a Wednesday, at about 7:30am, in the middle of our living room. It is a small living room, in a rented Stockwell flat. It is full of laundry, most days. There is more couch than there is floor space. There are half-full bottles of spirits and books on the shelves, and a lurid rainbow frog painted on canvas on the wall. He is not even a unique frog; when I was walking through Central Park in September, his twin stared out at me from behind his thickly-painted black glasses, hung on a stall at the side of the path. It was comforting, I thought: my boyfriend might be sitting underneath our own rainbow frog at this very minute.

My boyfriend is now my fiance, because a few months ago my sister and I started having conversations about rings. We would send links back and forth. She is smart, and kind, and knows me well, and did her best to send me links to rings she thought I’d like, although our tastes in jewellery are very different. I am tacky, I am oversized. The ring I chose in the end is red, with six tiny diamonds. She said, “It looks like candy.” It does. I said, “I like candy”. I do. 

I am surprised when I think about how some long-term relationships come with surprise engagements. My engagement, the fact of my boyfriend wanting to marry me, and being confident that I wanted him to, was not a surprise at all. We talked about it drunk, four years ago on a train. We were going to his 24 year old cousin’s wedding that weekend. He said “I don’t want you to think that I don’t want to marry you just because I haven’t asked you. I want to ask you when I’m ready.” A couple of years after that, drunk, in the same living room where he would propose, under the same rainbow frog, he said, “When would you like me to propose?” I said, “This year, I think.” He said yes, and so really we were promised then, it was finished then.

I changed the deadline later, when it got to December and he hadn’t proposed. I was afraid of a New Year’s Eve proposal, rightly, I think, because he leaves most things to the last minute. He lives life right up to the deadline. I am the girl who wrote her university essays two weeks before they were due. In the first week of December, I said, hurriedly, “You have to do it before Christmas.”

I found the ring I loved by Googling “Unusual engagement rings” and navigating the internet from the first Elle listicle I landed on. I do not think of myself as quirky, or unusual, but I knew what I didn’t want: a big, benign anonymous diamond. That ring belongs to someone else. It goes very well with the church wedding and the white dress and the high heels and the rigid up-do and the expensive flowers that I also do not want.

He knocked on the bathroom door when I was in the shower. I was taking an unusually long time because I had slept with a hair treatment in, and it takes a few goes to get the goo out. I am very blonde and my hair is very broken; I have what my hairdresser has refrained from calling “a chemical mullet”. I also have some grey hairs – I know this because the last time I went to the hairdresser I asked him if I had any, and he said “I’ll tell you if I spot any”, and I said “You’re lying,” and he smiled because he was lying.

“Come into the lounge when you’re done,” he shouted through the door.

“Why?”

“I need you to give me a hand.” (This is the part that I have to get right when I tell the story; his very favourite part, his pun).

I think, of course, that he has broken something. The rainbow frog knocked off the wall, the television shattered, the bookshelf cracked and broken. Instead, I walk into the lounge and he is down on one knee, on a cushion he has already positioned by the door. The lounge is covered in Christmas decorations and lights and he has bought chocolate and champagne. He asks me the question and I give the answer. This part is very easy. We have already practiced this part. We have been saying yes to each other for six years, as well as no, but never maybe. Our certainty about each other is never something I have had to question.

In some versions of this story I say that I am naked, because I like the idea that I might be that quirky, drop the towel and throw down on the carpet, clad only in my new red ring. But instead I drink my champagne and dry my hair quickly, and we go to Dishoom for bacon naans. A true part of the story is that at first he tries to put the ring on the wrong finger, on the wrong hand. But then, he has never done this before.

On the way up the escalator at Leicester Square, I spot my colleague Shane. He is standing in front of me; he is very nice but we have probably had about 3 conversations in total, and they have all been about either coffee or sales targets.

I introduce Adam to him as my boyfriend, to which Adam leans around me aggressively and clarifies “FIANCE”. Shane looks startled, as well he might. I explain that we have been engaged for 20 minutes. Shane understands, but still disappears off up the stairs very quickly.

I am not being vain, or unself-aware when I say that Adam and I have a special relationship. I am sure everyone thinks this, but I know this. I know this from the number of drunk friends who tell us that they want what we have, when it’s late and we’re leaning into each other, and it’s not one of the nights when we publicly fight about wisdom teeth. I know this from how easy, and unsurprising, it was to say “yes” to him. We are engaged to each other, but it hasn’t changed anything material. Sometimes he snores, and I sleep on the couch. Often I yell at him for doing something that I do myself, and then when he points that out I get mad. We make some bad decisions together, and there are undoubtedly dubious choices in our future, but the biggest choice, with regards each other, got made long before the ring. It got made when we moved to London together, when we moved in together, when he turned down a job in Manchester.

The only time it really feels different is when we’re sat together, usually on the couch under the rainbow frog, two meters from the spot where he arranged a cushion for his knee, and one of us turns to the other and says “We’re engaged!”. We do it often (only when we’re alone, don’t worry) and every time there’s a tiny additional spark. A little spike of something. It’s a little bit like the first “I love you”, or the first material decision made together. It’s a reminder that not everyone gets this, and a reminder that six years together doesn’t make our relationship old, or boring, it makes it wonderful. I hope our wedding day carries with it that same spike. And our honeymoon. And whatever comes after that.

I chose my own ring, with the help of my sister, which some people wouldn’t view as very romantic. But we chose each other, and we’ve kept on choosing each other, and that definitely is.

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