The check-in desk for my motel is behind glass, like a fast food drive-through window. There is a hair-dryer on a shelf, and a coffee machine on a table. A post-it note on the coffee machine says, “Sometimes bubbles break me.”
My room smells of smoke, but it’s big, and clean. The shower takes three minutes to run warm and the bulbs glow dimly, except for in the bathroom, where I am over-exposed and hyper-lit and almost neon. The duvet cover is thin, and hard under my fingers, striped in a mustard, red and brown that matches the curtains. One side of the room is a long bench and a small sink, and I have a full-size fridge that I have nothing to put in. I hang my shirts on the five wire hangers. I listen to the traffic on the six-lane road outside my window.
3 minutes from my room there is a 3 mile path down to the beach, and I run along it the next morning when I awake at 1am, and 3am, and finally give up on sleep at 5am. In London, the old and poor juxtaposes with the old and rich in the space of a corner and a crossed road, so I don’t know why I’m surprised that LA is the same, two turned corners from huge white cars blasting through crosswalks to a bark-lined path down to the sea.
The sun comes up just before seven and the sky is pink and grey and blue. The people here say good morning as I jog past, as if I’m back in Devonport. The neighbourhood of Manhattan Beach is an expensive one, but it has the look and feel of a cobbled-together hippy commune. The houses are a scrap-book of tiles and styles, tipping down the hill onto the beach, which is wide and white and gives way to sea studded with ships out to the horizon. Nothing matches; nothing goes. It is October and so the houses stream webs and black spiders; elaborately arrayed skeletons lie on loungers and gaze out to sea.
I am nervous at the moment. I am anxious all the time. I check and double-check my phone, my wallet, my locked motel door. I think about how I left the curtains cracked open, and how someone might peer in, and see my (my what? My suitcase? My three Zara shirts? My half-eaten bag of crisps?) stuff, and break down the door and steal it. When my bag is checked at the airport, I think I’ll never see it again. When I run past a red-faced, sweaty mid-forties man in college sweats who pants hello, I imagine him shoving me sideways into the bushes.
As it turns out, you can go from cock-sure and confident in the space of one prised window, one violated space. Back in London, at night, I listen for the sounds of another break-in. I am (again) proof that you only truly believe something is happening once it happens to you. My jewellery shoved in someone’s bag, sitting in someone’s room, pawned in someone’s shop; my laptop stripped for parts or sold. I am waiting for it to happen again. Through the closed curtains I can see them looking at the locks, the frame, and planning their entrance. Someone is always waiting to do you harm.
It isn’t a panic attack exactly, but it’s something similar. My heart beat speeds and I sweat into my hair as I turn the corner onto my street. It’s October and I can’t get home before dark.
The sun comes up at 6:43am in LA in October, but by 6am I’m at the curtains waiting for the sky to brighten. The only good thing about jet-lag is this new morning alertness. I want to be up, I want to be out.