You want someone to live with. You’re not picky. You just want them to be clean and kind and quiet and respectful, not smell of tuna or of petrol and sometimes leave chocolate on the table for everyone to share. It’s not that difficult. People are generally nice.
But before you find the person who can pay the rent and wipe down the mirror and not slam the gate nine times at 4am on a Tuesday morning nor walk in on you when you’re wtaching Harry Potter in the bath-tub, this is who will answer your ad FIRST:
The Person Who Has Not Read Your Ad
Oh, you want someone to move in ASAP for a minimum 6 month lease? No worries, Sandra will ring you from Newfoundland, wondering if you she could have the room for one week, 6 weeks from now. She’ll pay £200. She’ll take her shoes off. NO FUCK OFF SANDRA.
The Person Who Wants To “Try London Out”
She’s 20 years old, she lives in Berkshire, she’s currently at make-up school and OMG, she is SOOOO sick of the commute. Living in London will be fun! We can be friends! I love to party! The rent’s negotiable, right?
The Person Who Is Actually Two People
The ad says no couples, because the room is only small enough to do one cartwheel at a time and that is the designated sizing for a ONE person room, but Eve, from Denmark, is actually two people who want to share one bed. They are not lesbians. They are friends. They are clean and tidy. This is exactly the room they’ve been looking for the whole time they’ve been looking, which is 35 minutes.
The Perfect Person, Who Then Disappears
She was chatty and well-dressed and enthusiastic. She drank a glass of wine with you and talked about how much she liked Great British Bake Off and how she could really feel the homey atmosphere of the place. She took photos, gave you a hug and promised to call. She never called.
The Person Who Is Actually Interviewing YOU
It’s your house, and they’re your flatmates, but all of a sudden you’re the one in the police room with a glass of water in front of you and a single bulb glaring from the ceiling, being asked why you’re not a lawyer when you have a law degree. Being quizzed about quietude and veganism and laundry powder ratios. And you are, regretfully, not good enough to be their flatmate. Good day sir.
The Person Who Does Not Talk
They’re in, they’ve seen the room, they’re out with barely a hello. And they’re always the person with the deposit ready and the move in date sorted but WHO ARE THEY MAYBE A SERIAL KILLER WHY ARE THEY THE BEST OPTION SO FAR.
The Person Who Wants Their Parents To View The Flat For Them
First published here.