RE-WRITING TV: This is how Gilmore Girls should have ended

Feck off to your handmade tent in the rain. Feck off to that half-hearted snog. Feck off to Rory trotting along on Barack’s campaign tour. Feck off.

I love Gilmore Girls. I love it with the kind of single-minded passion that only someone who has watched it every morning for the last five years of their life can love something. I love it like Russell Brand loves eye contact. Like Londoners love a £12 burger eaten while standing in a car-park. I love it like Jess loves Rory.

And yes, actually – I do know the backstory. I know that Milo Ventimiglia refused to work with the producers for the final series, and that that’s why we never got the Rory/Jess union we so richly deserved and to that I say: feck off. Milo, you and your principles had no right to thwart the ending of the love story that I devoted way too many of my raging teenage hormones to. It wasn’t right. It isn’t good.

And so without further ado, here is how Gilmore Girls SHOULD have ended. Oi with the poodles already:

1. Luke proposing to Lorelai

Remember the episode when she proposed, and the whole town got angsty because women shouldn’t propose to men and Luke wasn’t a real man and all the rest of that small town crap? That was lame, and I loved the fact that Lorelai proposed to him, but the fact is that they subsequently arsed it all up, and that meant that the gate was wide open for Luke to “have his moment”.

And the ending of the show was where that moment should have been, with Luke taking charge like he did when he stormed Lorelai on her doorstep. Not with him fecking sewing all night and then getting a five-second snog that maybe suggested that maybe they would maybe be getting together only because Lorelai had a bunch more spare time now that Rory was off kissing Barrack’s ankles.

2. Jess coming for Rory

I am ALL FOR Rory having a career. Fab. Grand. Just because she had no follow-through when Mitchum told her she was shite does not mean that she wouldn’t have made a tenacious and fabulous journalist (actually it probably does but WHATEVER) and I understand that leaving Rory with a degree of independence and success was important, given that most of the series was premised around her being The Smartest Person Ever In The World With Blue Eyes.

But. But. We still absolutely, 100%, should have been given the promise that in the absence of snarky rich boy Logan, Jess and Rory would get another shot. It doesn’t have to be a happy ending. They don’t have to get married. She was only 21 when the series ended, we’re not suggesting that she settle down and spit out nine surly babies. But he wrote a freaking book for her, he fixed himself for her, he deserved her. And we deserved them. BRING BACK DODGER.

3. Emily and Lorelai reconciling as best they can

Actually, they did that perfectly. Moving on.

4. Success for Hepalien

If you don’t think Lane was the best character in the whole series then you’re wrong, unless you think it’s Kirk, in which case I’ll allow it. I didn’t hate the babies storyline and Zac and Lane’s marriage was done with just the right spark BUT how is it even slightly fair that Rory gets to go off and dazzle, Zac gets to go off and rock, and Lane has to stay at home holding the babies?

At the very least I wanted to see the band with a record deal. Or, alternatively, Dave coming back from California and giving Lane a good seeing-to. Hey, she’s married now, she’s allowed.

5. Logan getting hit by a car

It doesn’t have to be a car. It could be a baseball bat, or just a baseball, thrown quite hard. But he was a sulky petulant shite right until the end, when Rory’s refusal of his (overblown, idiotic) proposal resulted in him announcing that he would never see her again, and flouncing off like a debutante without a date.

Screw you, Logan. Turns out, you’re exactly like your lame father, just like we always suspected.

6. SOMETHING with Dean

What, he dumps Rory and then… evaporates? Did too-good-for-him Lindsey take him back? Did he go back to university? Or did he just continue to toss his silky fringe and build bookshelves until the end of his days? WE NEED TO KNOW.

7. ANYTHING but all of that ridiculous rain

I swear, it never rained in Stars Hollow until that final episode. We saw a lot of sun, and a lot of snow (conjured into being by Lorelai) but they opted to set the final episode in the middle of a monsoon? What, had they just run out of filming budget, and had to get it done that day, and reworked the script so the party could occur in a rainstorm.

Yes, it was a good way to get everyone together. Yes, it provided the impetus for Luke to prove how much he wanted Lorelai back. But we did not appreciate the drizzly coldness of it all, and we did not want to leave Stars Hollow all muddy and sad.

Got any more Gilmore Girls questions that were left unanswered? Let me have it in the comments below!

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