First published here.
We might have spent too much time thinking about this.
36. Ellis Grey
Yep, she was sick, but even before she was ill she was a MEAN LADY. Do you want someone sitting on the floor next to you, heaving about how many surgeries she could have performed in the 7 minutes you’ve been stuck, telling you how ordinary you are? You do not.
35. Thatcher Grey
He slaps when he’s stressed.
34. Callie Torres
Just to be clear: Callie is boss. But 1. she whines a lot and 2. everything bad in the world happens to her. Everyone she looks at twice dies or loses a limb. We do not want to be included in this list.
33. Shane Ross
SO ANNOYING ALL THE TIME; has weird and awkward reactions to difficult situations such as accidentally causing the death by electrocution of a colleague.
32. Erica Hahn
Erica Hahn does not make friends easily, unless she wants to screw their brains out. We do not have time to get past her icy cold exterior, we would rather be playing cards.
31. Sloan Riley
She would try and borrow money and there would be nowhere to escape to.
30. April Kepner
She would insist on prayer as a means of escape. Also, last time she was in a life or death situation she got McDreamy shot, so we have no trust remaining for Kepner.
29. Stephanie Edwards
28. Reed Adamson
Mean, though possibly funny. Would not take up much room.
27. Charles Percy
Eugh, can you imagine? He would tell awkward jokes and then lie diagonally across the lift taking up ALL THE ROOM so you were left SQUISHED in the corner by his BIG UGLY FEET and, eugh. Anyone Bailey doesn’t like, we don’t like.
26. Rebecca Pope
She pees on things.
25. Adele Webber
10 seconds of listening to that voice and we’d be willing the elevator car to plunge us to our silent, silent, peaceful doom.
24. Olivia Harper
She would just want to talk about George all the time and also you could probably catch something from her by sitting so close to her.
23. Preston Burke
Preston would refuse to do anything to try and escape the elevator for fear of damaging his long creepy spasm-y fingers and would instead just sit there trying to tell us what to do. No.
22. Maggie Pierce
We don’t need a lecture on the History of Lifts, you annoying little Know It All.
21. Leah Murphy
You had to think for a while to remember who she was, didn’t you? That’s how exciting she would be in a lift.
20. Richard Webber
He has some good stories and we could find out what Ellis was like in bed.
19. Jo Wilson
Jo oscillates between hugely endearing and intensely annoying 5 times a second and we don’t really need that kind of stress when plunging to our death is a real possibility BUT she is really cute and Alex would realise she was missing really fast and come and get us out. So there’s that.
18. Izzie Stevens
What was ghost sex with Denny like, Izzie? We have many questions about the ghost sex.
17. Cristina Yang
She would probably only be tolerable in this situation if incarcerated with Meredith or Owen, which is the only reason she’s this far down the list. We love Cristina. Long live Cristina. Cristina for President.
16. Arizona Robbins
Could maybs lever open the door with her robot leg?
15. Teddy Altman
She’s a soldier and soldiers are good in serious practical situations. Plus, we miss her. It’d be nice to spend some time with her. How have you BEEN, Teddy?
14. Addison Montgomery
She has knowledge of Elevator Gods.
13. Derek Shepherd
Depending on how long the lift was stuck we could probably persuade him to have sex with us. He gets randy in elevators.
12. George O’Malley
He’s the Heart In The Elevator guy. We’d be safe.
11. Miranda Bailey
If God listens to ANYONE, it’s Miranda Bailey. We’d be out in no time, but not before she’d given us excellent, useful, applicable advice on all our problems.
10. Alex Karev
He’s nice to look at. Plus Jo would come looking for him. How cute is that couple, by the way?
9. Finn Dandridge
We’re glad Meredith ended up with Derek, but Finn was just so NICE. And definitely a good kisser. Plus, if any random animals needed to be birthed whilst we were in there, all would be well.
8. Owen Hunt
We would be out of the lift in 3.6 seconds. Dude knows his way around an emergency.
7. Meredith Grey
Almost certainly has a stash of tequila in her purse.
6. Mark Sloan
5. Amelia Shepherd
She is VERY entertaining and sassy and delightful. Time would fly.
4. Susan Grey
Almost certainly has snacks in her purse.
3. Jackson Avery
Now’s the time to persuade him to take his trousers off. To… conserve oxygen.
2. Denny Duquette
ANY EXCUSE TO BRING DENNY BACK, RIGHT SHONDA?
1. Lexie Grey
She’s funny, kind and nice and could tell us stories about being Prom Queen AND about the size of Mark Sloane’s bits. Plus, if it came down to one person living and the other dying, which it would because this is Grey’s Anatomy, she would sacrifice herself. We like that in an elevator companion.