A Treatise On Having More Baths

Have more baths

Modern life. It’s just so busy isn’t it? All you do is go go go, from one appointment to the next, from one gym class to another, from one date to his bedroom.

Actually, I just spent twenty minutes picking bits of food out from under the ring I never take off, BUT we do spend a lot of time doing things. And too often, time spent in repose is decried as a waste. But there’s a particular kind of repose, a moist kind, that isn’t a waste. The bath. The humble bath. You know what will make you feel better about your doubtful hygiene and confusing life, and possibly also mine? A bath.

It Is An Excuse To Be Wet And Naked For A Prolonged Period

As a society we’re far too ashamed of the naked form. But we do accept that in order to cleanse that form, that it might look better clothed in whatever slightly a-symmetrical thing we have purchased from Zara this month, we must get naked. And though we shy away from it, we are designed to be naked.

We came in to this world naked. And wet. And covered in stuff. Be naked. Be wet. Try to avoid the stuff unless you are partial to bath bombs with bits in them.

It Is The Best Way To Assess Your Method Of Pubic Hair Maintenance

Whether your hair drifts in the ebbing tide of your breath like seaweed, or your mons slowly turns pink like the blush of an affronted gentleman, there is no better state in which to consider the state of your bits than in the bath.

You’re at the right angle. It’s right there. Does it look good? Does it look happy?

Drinks Taste Better In The Bath

If you think that nothing in the world tastes better than gin and tonic on a hot day, then I advise you to try the same beverage in a hot bath. It’s colder. Crisper. And you can rest it on your breasts if you need two hands to read. Have you ever used your nipples as coasters? Life changing.

Netflix Is Better In The Bath

Many people fail to realize that anything you can do lying on your bed covered in Pringles crumbs, you can do in the bathtub, smelling gently of limes. Put the laptop on the toilet. Choose your favourite show. Do not watch something that might lull you to sleep because you cannot drown in bed, except in emotions, but the same cannot be said for the bath.

It Will Make You Feel Like Human Tea

British people love tea. The heat, the routine, the comfort. But don’t just drink the tea; become the tea. Some people might view baths as stewing in one’s own filth, but those people are the coffee drinkers. Visualise yourself as the tea bag; call yourself Lady Grey if you must. Stew. Soak. Free your essence. Do not drink the bath water.

Masturbation

Masturbation.

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